 I feel sorry. For taking. People are so beautiful, I want to understand each one. After trying, I feel like I took something from them, and don't have enough to fill the holes left behind. I feel deceived. About failure. Somehow the message is rooted in me that I am doing something wrong because people are unhappy or disconnected. Because I do not understand fully. I am realizing the core lies are-- You are wrong and incomplete. You must do______ to meet THE standard. I bought this lie for so long that I emptied my whole energy budget on "fixes": Program, study, image, system, message, way-of-thinking, job, routine, lifestyle...will "fill in the blank". I feel scared and sad I feel scared and sad that I have hurt people I love by telling them the same lies. Pushing. Pushing them into what turns out to be an abyss. No returns for their labor. Just pain. A continuing cycle of nothing. I feel determined. Well, no mo' cashflow is left for lies. I aimed for being an example of letting go, trusting, being. This stage is like the Wizard of Oz. Behind the Curtain there are real people. Ones who observe, enjoy, savor the little things. Work around the rules, be human. Here is where the childlike Lynn finally got to come alive. I feel forgiven. Admitting the truth is an ongoing process but getting smoother– Truth that my anxiousness and spending on lies was a mistake, that people around me have the right to hear me own this and not follow any lies I passed along. Thankfully, grace has met me here. For this I am VERY lucky and hope to pay it forward. I feel alone. Stepping back from places and spaces to clear my mind, to decide what truths I can carry, what talents I am made to give. This is a place of aloneness but stillness. I feel hope The holes of sorrow, deceit, and fear are common to man. The electricity of determination and knowing humanity is made of individuals who are “in the struggle together” is refreshing. The air of grace and truth is what I hope will last and be shared among souls going forward. copyright Lynn Jodeit Ouellette, 2025 | ___Says it better than I can. |
