(Part 6 of 6 Ward Memories) Credits and Graduation - scroll down to intro to read whole series

Credits

To keep up with high school credits in the facility, I remember being told it was all set, just do as we were told. One task was filling out worksheets. For example, one day in the cafeteria, alongside my pressed plastic tray topped with breakfast food (yes I was eating it as advised by a nutritionist) and my textured red cup filled with orange juice, I read vocabulary and filled in sentence blanks using the definitions. My mind’s eye recalls it being about United States History, and easy.

I remember a group project for school credit one day too. All of us “students” were ushered into a room. Seemingly a high school science classroom-6 marble slab counters with surrounding stools. We were assigned in small groups, given poster paper and markers, told to work together to create a poster with certain parameters. There was discussion among us, like pulling teeth. I remember giving suggestions, getting confused, asking questions.

All the while with clinical staff  holding their clipboards in the far corner (aka “our instructors”). At one point a student in our group went to speak with that cluster, then two of them pulled me aside and said I was not allowed to stay. Essentially I was being “sent to my room”. Well, this was the familiar consequence of my childhood, so I left without fanfare. Later, I was counseled that I had been too “controlling” in my group.

By this time in my “treatment” I was tired of the word "control". Prior to hospitals, I answered questions in psychologist sessions where they informed us that my caregivers were too “controlling”, no practical solutions generated. This added tension to my family. Part of the “system” clearly was measuring me by my weight gain (my eating disorder stuff is a whole other layer which was real, but not the whole story, and I was trying at this point to eat well, but no way could I force my body to weigh whatever numbers they sought). And from this class project it was concluded I was socially “too controlling” and not being given a way to resolve whatever I did with my “classmates”. Just left alone in my room. I looked out the vertical blinds on my window, feeling defeated.

Graduation
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No matter how hard I tried, psychology was telling me that my family, body, and social self were broken beyond repair. Sorry 1980s magic, This was NOT working.

This is a DECISIVE MOMENT. I found my grit and essentially decided “FUCK IT”. Is this working? NO. So...I have to do SOME-thing.

My 14 year old mind created the decision tree below:

1. Is this working? NO
2. Can I do this by myself? NO, but can I decide to never give up? YES I WILL NEVER GIVE UP
3. Can my family help me? SOME. Can I try to collaborate? YES I WILL TRY WITH FAMILY
4. God?

1. My family taught me - Things that belong to others are valuable, they must be handled with care.
2. I think God created me.
3. So, I belong to God
4. So, I am valuable
5. YES, I WILL SEEK GOD AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF BECAUSE I BELONG TO GOD.

1. Other unknowns and insecurities – DECISIONS 2-4 SAY I CAN DO IT

And this is what I did. I turned my attitude around and no one could stop me. Soon after, I was released from the hospital. It was a type of personal graduation. I graduated to a new definition. Determination now defined Lynn, not medical charts. I gritted and humored and believed through sports, music, some friends, faith adventures, and more. I am still here in 2024. I hope sharing some of my hospital memories helps someone somewhere.

​copyright Lynn Jodeit Ouellette, 2024

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Take good care of things that belong to others.

1983 age 13

1987, age 17