 2025-I just found this clover in this envelope I labeled at age 15, It crumbled after taking this photo. Summer 1975, Tuesday morning. I ran in and outside to mess around in the sand box, then wash my hands because those potato bugs in there were groosss. Aww man, I got caught. Here comes the speech: “Outside or Inside. Choose one, and stay until the dinner bell. I am trying to work.” Split-second decision. Off I went. Creek-slam, creek-slam, out the screen door. Well, there I was. Green grass, scent of pine and peonies the air. About 70 degrees at 9 AM. Despite the mosquito buzzing in my ear on our quiet city block, the scene was nice enough. We were allowed to move about within a 2 block radius and visit a few trusted neighbors. But today seemed deserted. IMAGINATION TIME!. I had such a childlike faith. At age 5, almost 6, I believed in Jesus, Winnie the Pooh, Superstitions, and nature. This day was perfect for finding 4 leaf clovers in the back yard. I found one. That pumped me up to keep looking. It was probably lunch time before I stopped! (I got a quick step into the kitchen for a baloney sandwich and glass of milk before my outside day continued.) Sitting atop the crest of the hill that was our front yard, I scanned our city street. Middle class, near Lake Harriet, every house different. (The variety is something I miss living among suburban ‘cookie-cutter-houses now.) I did not know what is going on inside each one. Where did the grownups, grandparents, and kids go? Was anyone arguing? Was anyone laughing or crying? My eyes eventually settled onto the concrete driveway on the left. Oh look, there’s an ant! Shiny, black, plump. Hmmm, the front and middle seem round and the last section is shaped like a football. His antennae are wiggling. Can he see? What is he thinking? Something was strange that Tuesday morning. Usually, ants are in lines. Where was everyone else? They go down into sandy piles and have seen their homes in little ant colony see through toys. Why is this one alone? Is it looking for its family or team? He seems kinda-medium, probably a teenager, a big brother. I wonder if the other ones are looking for him? Suddenly stunned. I realized, from his point of view, I was giant, powerful. If it was at a picnic I would squish it. What if I squish it now? Will this ant’s family seek revenge? Will they feel sad? Well, I have nothing else to do, let’s find out. I took my little foot and pushed it with my chubby girl leg. He went half flat, half split, oozing a little internal gel. Those delicate antennae jiggled, then went still. Tenderly, I lifted my little ant friend and felt some sense of mourning. I wondered if the Mom Ant was hurting inside, sensing her little boy is dead? I thought his name was Sam. I felt like the Ant’s family were looking for him and the colony would come hunting for me. But I thought, "They are so tiny. What can they do?" I decided to hold an Ant funeral. I gathered nature items, like little rocks and pretty leaves. I set them in the grass. I imagined the ants gathering around, hearing me sing a song. In my conjuring mind, it seemed SO REAL, LIKE IT WAS REALLY HAPPENING. I lay the found four-leaf clovers atop the pebble grave stone. The surREAL ant family shared their memories and hopes. We waited in somber silence..... I poked a hole in the dirt beneath the cool grass and place the ant within. The ant family and I sprinkle dirt over his miniscule life-ridded body. I said, “I am sorry” and then sat for awhile, looking up at a blue sky, wondering what work the ants around our yard will do next, which ants will remember this one and where all the little spirits of insects wander. Eventually, my Mom opened our front door and rang the big loud dinner bell. My brother and sister came from wherever they had been, I went in and scrubbed the dirt out from under my fingernails. By the time my mom was offering mint-chocolate-chip icecream after dinner, I had forgotten about my playtime. But later in life, this day came back. Death and loss come in so many shapes and sizes. I think mourning is important and human, something to help one another lean into, go through all the way. Thank you, ant friend, for giving me a chance to explore it in a gentle way. Lynn Jodeit Ouellette copyright 2025 Photo Lynn Jodeit Ouellette 2025 | ___Says it better than I can. |
